Emotional Freedom
- The only thing worse than feeling IT ALL? Not feeling AT ALL!
"Big boys don't cry" and "good girls don't get angry". I have no doubt that you’ve heard these phrases before.
Growing up, many of us were told time and time again that is was unacceptable to express and even feel emotions. Being from the UK, the 'stiff upper lip' was almost a right of passage and to be strong meant to hold it all in until we no longer recognised when feelings were arising (until they exploded). I was very fortunate to be raised by an 'aware' family and a psychotherapist who adored diving into the inner workings of our psyche to analyse the source of any emotional reaction. On reflection though, even the therapeutic process can make the arising emotion seem somehow 'bad' enough to need assessing and addressing, taking us out of the body and into the mind.
I remember as a teen and the eldest of two, I was allowed to be part of the meetings with the doctor after my dad was admitted to hospital. In one of the first meetings, my emotions got the better of me and through the flowing tears and ringing in my ears I heard a family member say "don't cry, he would want you to be brave" and just like that, yet again, other's perception of me became more important than the reality of my own lived experience. So I tried with all my might to be good, to be brave and to not cry, to not feel.
This may sound easy for many people but for me, it is almost impossible. Anyone who knows me now knows I am EMOTIONAL. I wear my heart on my sleeve and the waterworks turn on regularly, from happy tears of joy, love, pride as well as sorrow, grief or overwhelm. Yes the occasional public chin wobble may not be ideal but I wouldn't change it for the world because that tear welling, that chin wobble is what lets me know I am not only alive but I am truly living. I am embracing and welcoming the entire range of human emotion as each one moves through me and with that I have the honour of truly embodying this experience and gift of being human.
I am FREE
This emotional freedom wasn't always the case though. Like so many, I spent countless years distracting myself with all the usual suspects...binge watching my favourite shows (also one of my forever favourite hobbies), over or under eating, over caffeinating to 'get through' a tough week and drinking at weekends to escape a bad week. It seems so strange now that these escape mechanisms have become so much more socially acceptable than actually BEING HUMAN! But these 'routines' all seemed so normal at the time because everyone was doing them, it was the 'SOCIAL NORM' and this was what we called life. For years I followed this same routine, as maybe you did (or currently do) too. For 5 days of the week I was consumed and distracted by work (or work stress) and then when the 2 days came to 'be with me', I would compulsively create plans because god forbid I allowed enough stillness to truly feel, to truly 'be with me'.
Over time it worked, I had successfully turned off all emotion, numbed all feeling. Days, weeks and months would pass without having to address anything real at all. There was no perceived 'anxiety' because there was no space for it to be recognised. There was no 'fear' because there were people to distract me from the things I feared. There was no time for 'sadness' because plans didn't wait for tears.
And even when an emotion crept to the surface, asking to be seen and it's message to be acknowledged, it was always labelled as 'Sunday blues' or the morning after the night before, just something to 'wait out' or 'ignore'. It was a perfect plan....until it wasn't. Suddenly the once vibrant world seemed colourless and grey. The things that used to bring me joy, make my heart skip an excited beat or enthusiastically get me up in the morning no longer held the same power.
My little light had started to go out.
Because the funny thing about emotions is that they are simply energy in motion relying on movement. There is no ‘good’ or bad’, there just “is”…so when one is ignored so are many. And what happens when they are continuously 'pressed' down? When they are su-PRESSED and not allowed space to be seen? When they are de-PRESSED. It all comes crumbling down and is discussed or labelled as depression. The once vibrant world now has no colour and the routines no longer hold the same meaning. We know there is more to life but what is it? Surely life has more to offer? This can't be it.
No, it is not, it is absolutely not all that life has to offer. Yes there is FAR MORE to life that those routines rooted in escapism. There is a way to bring colour back to life and to embrace the beauty of being human again. There is a way to welcome back the spectrum of emotion, the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, and as we do so with courage, we start to see the world through this different lens. We start to love our life again.
So what would I say again to that family member who asked me to be brave? I would remind them that sometimes the bravest thing to do is to cry. The most courageous thing to do is to welcome and honour the full spectrum of human emotion.
To feel it all.
How does it start?
How do we find Emotional Freedom?
It starts with awareness, presence and compassion.
Perhaps just for today the intention is to create enough space to simply observe and be aware.
Enough stillness and presence to recognise.
Enough courage to FEEL
And enough compassion to do so with love.
—————————————-
From my heart to yours,
Antonia